“When did you decide you were bi?”

(an anecdote highlighting one of the less newsworthy, but still interesting, questions you deal with when you’re not straight)

I came out to my mother somewhat accidentally.

At the time, I wasn’t completely closeted: I’d been out as asexual and biromantic on my tumblr for a while, and I’d somewhat drunkenly (but nonetheless sincerely) come out to my two best friends at a birthday party the previous summer. And although I wasn’t explicitly hiding my sexuality from my mom, I wasn’t exactly waving the rainbow flag either; I’d just been testing the waters of coming out around her since I came to terms with my sexuality. I think a lot of queer people do this at first. You wanna drop a few hints and see the reaction, before you fully commit to coming out.

The following are examples of the “hints” I’d drop about my sexuality around my mother whenever the topic of dating came up.

• “Sex is such an unimportant aspect of relationships to me. Like, I’m not interested in it when deciding if I want to date someone. It never crosses my mind at all. It’s not even a factor.”
• “I don’t even care about gender, you know? I’m more interested in compatibility.”
• “I could see myself dating a girl. As long as we have a lot in common. Since I don’t care about sex it’s more about personality than anything else.”
• Nonverbal cues such as cutting my hair (which was, up until that point, never shorter than shoulder-length) into a pixie, shaving half my head and dyeing my hair blue.
• I mean, come on. BLUE HAIR. Blue hair is basically a neon sign for non-het girls, am I right??

I hadn’t gotten a huge reaction out of her with any of these comments, so I figured she’d heard them, internalized them, and come to the same conclusion I had: I’m not straight. I also assumed she probably already knew, in the way that moms just kind of know stuff about their kids. You’ve seen TV shows. A person will come out to their family and the mom will be like “oh, honey, we already knew, we were just waiting for you to come out on your own time. We love you.” And then they all hug and laugh and the end credits roll.

So I figured, what’s the hurry in officially telling her I’m ace and biromantic? It’s a complicated sexuality to explain. She probably already knows anyway. Plus there’s the chance I’ll date a boy, so it won’t matter, it’ll still look normal. (Note the heteronormativity in that statement. See, even queer people fall victim to that kind of thinking). I’ll just tell her whenever it becomes absolutely necessary!

Turns out the “absolutely necessary” moment was to add comedic effect to a story about a class presentation.

Since my younger brother and I go to the same university about two hours from where our mom lives, she drives up every month or so to visit us. This particular Saturday morning was chilly and bright, a rare beautiful day before the dreariness of autumn descended upon the Berkshires, and the three of us were driving into town for breakfast. My brother was probably asleep in the back seat, as he usually is when we have to drive more than five minutes. At any rate, he wasn’t making conversation. I, on the other hand, was feeling chatty, and telling my mom about an upcoming presentation in my women’s studies class, where we had to work in groups and discuss our analysis of several readings with the rest of the students in the class.

At some point I mentioned that one of our articles was on queer politics, and that although I’d been interested in leading the discussion on that article, I’d let one of the other people in the group take the reins. “She’s way more open about everything than I am, and anyway, she’s genderqueer and I’m only bi, so that trumps me, I think. Haha.”

I don’t know if there was actual awkward silence after that or if my scathing and hilarious commentary on the hierarchy of queerness just didn’t land with my cishet mother, but at any rate, I felt immediately like I’d just shown up to homeroom wearing only my underwear.

I’m bi. I’d just said that out loud. I’d officially confirmed that I liked more than just boys. That the reason I never dated guys in high school wasn’t just that I was, as I’d been assured by both my parents as a teenager, intimidating them with my beauty and intelligence. It’s all out there in the open now, for whatever it’s worth.

I didn’t know what my mom would say to this. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t kick me out of the car or tell me I’m going to burn in hell or anything; her brother is gay, and they have a great relationship, so she wouldn’t really have a reason to be angry or reject me. I didn’t think she’d even make a big deal out of it, just give me the ol’ “I still love you no matter what” routine.

Her actual response threw me for a loop:

“Since when did you decide you were bi?”

“Since…always?? It wasn’t a dec- I mean, I didn’t actually decide…” I trailed off, unable to find the exact words to express what I felt.

I wasn’t angry, per se, but I was certainly taken aback by her wording. Decide? When did I decide I was bi? I couldn’t believe she’d say something like that! Granted, it was slightly more socially acceptable than the typical “how do you know you’re gay?”, but still! I might expect a question like that from any random person I meet, but my own mother? Shouldn’t she know better than to insinuate that any sexuality is a choice? To suggest that I woke up one morning and thought “hmm, today I officially decide that I am bi. Yes. Boys and girls. Let the records show that I have decided thusly.” That’s so close-minded! That’s so invalidating of the LGBT experience! That’s so…

logical?

Really the only reason I spent so long thinking I was only attracted to boys is that, well, I am attracted to boys, and I grew up with a lot of forced heterosexuality around me. No other options were presented. Based on the Disney movies I loved as a kid, I should dream about my fairytale wedding to my Prince Charming and we’d live happily ever after. Pocahontas doesn’t leave John Smith for Nakoma. Aurora doesn’t fall for Maleficent. So I didn’t really know you could be in love with another girl until I learned about lesbians, and even then, I still thought, no, that’s not me, I like boys! I must be straight!

I like looking at pretty girls, but whatever, who doesn’t? I can’t be gay! I like boys!!!

And anyway, I’ve never had a relationship with anyone before, let alone a non-boy. So it’s not like I have any data to go on.

Data from dating. Dating data. Date-a. Heh. Puns.

All the time I spent looking at myself and exploring my own thoughts about love and romance and attraction was just in my head. I kinda looked around at all the stuff I thought about relationships and the type of person I envisioned myself being with and thought, hmm, I’m not concerned with what gender they are, when I get right down to it. Girls are hot, and boys are hot, and people in-between are hot, and after years of not really knowing what that means, I discovered there’s a word for people that feel that way – bisexual!

Okay, technically I’m biromantic, as I mentioned earlier, but I didn’t figure that out until after I learned that asexuality is a thing.

Anyway, when I really think about it, I can see how it might seem like I did decide I’m bi.

Straight people don’t have to go through this line of questioning, at least not to the extent that queer people do. None of my straight friends have ever dated people of the same gender, but no one asks them when they “decided they only liked boys”. Because straight is the default, the norm. Heterosexuality is the basic level 1 character in an RPG, and any other sexuality is, like, an attribute you can only unlock when you complete a bunch of side quests.

To unlock “bisexual”, you must romance 3 female and 3 male NPC’s. +5 charisma. -2 stealth.

Being bi and ace is just something I feel, something I know in my heart to be true despite the fact that I haven’t actually dated or had sex with men or women. I didn’t always know this about myself. It was something that took time and thinking. But I can explain those things! I can articulate how I feel romantically and aesthetically attracted to both boys and girls, and how I know I’m capable of being in love with someone regardless of their gender. I can tell someone how I’ve never felt sexual attraction or even had a sex dream, so that led me to discovering my asexuality.

The question “since when did you decide you were bi?” is kind of unanswerable, but it does make some sense from a broader standpoint. It’s just poorly worded.

Maybe, then, the more apt question to ask is “when did you realize you were bi?”